Questions for Oscar Night

My apologies for my extremely lackluster posting performance in the last week. To get us back into the swing of things, here's a little something that I've worked up for those of you who will be watching the Oscars this Sunday.

One frustration in being a political junkie is that the answers to political questions can be a long time coming. Will Congress ever be able be able to clear its schedule of such pressing matters as naming a "National Quilt Museum of the United States" so that the FISA legislation can be passed? Will Michelle Obama ever find something in this dear country of ours to be proud of besides her husband? How long will it take for John McCain to realize that he was profoundly silly for believing the MSM wouldn't turn on him the moment that he secured the nomination? (With Gov. Romney's delegates included, McCain has enough delegates with his win Tuesday in Wisconsin to secure the nomination. And on Wednesday, we have this.) These are all questions for which we may not find any answer for a very long time.

However, here are some questions for which you will likely find answers during this year's Oscar telecast:

• Given that this will be the last Oscar ceremony during the Bush Administration, how many celebrities will take the opportunity to make one last demeaning remark about President Bush's supposed lack of intelligence, despite the fact that very few celebrities today have more than a high school education? (An old-school item on that here.)
  

• Which celebrities who've flown to LA in fuel-sucking private jets will roll up to the red carpet in hybrid cars?

• Which starlets will be wearing dresses custom-made by a prestigious designers--and which cost more than your car--and will still look like your crazy cousin Lacey when she showed up drunk to your brother's wedding wearing her prom dress that didn't fit her even back when she wore it to her prom?

• Will Ben Stiller seem pissed because he's been asked to present another Oscar--like he is every year--even though he'll never, ever, ever get nominated for one, and despite the fact that his movies routinely make more money than all the Best Picture nominees put together?

• How many times will you want to punch Sean Penn when he makes a snitty political comment that's less original than the novelty t-shirt you just bought, but then looks so pleased with himself like he's just cured cancer or something?

• How many times will the camera show Jack Nicholson looking crazy and raising his eyebrows?

• How many fights will break out when the guys all comment on how hot Penelope Cruz is and the girls say that they don't get it and that her face is out of proportion?